According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
