They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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