Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
