Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's always time for handjobs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
