Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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