Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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