Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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