My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
