my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
