it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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