you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
