i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize