i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize