I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
