I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need moral support for this bender
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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