my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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