I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
