Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
