SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
