I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
