I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize