So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
