I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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