So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
