That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize