you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
