I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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