if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
