Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
