OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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