at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
