You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
