theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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