Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
