well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
