I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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