I just pynch a tree in the face
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
