I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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