OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
