Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
