Umm I'm too high to move.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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