I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
