Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
