I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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