just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
