Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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