FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
