Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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