So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Be still, my beating vagina.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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