me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
