I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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