my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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