believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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