DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
