why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
