I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize