Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
