I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this boner is exhausting
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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